


Mess in My Head

by HoodieGirlSP



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Bottling Up, Crying, F/M, Intrusive Thoughts, Meiko Len Rin and Piko are only mentioned, Mental Breakdown, PLEASE TAKE CAUTION WHILE READING THIS, anxiety attack, anxious fukase, caring flower, emotional attack, flokase, fukaflower, late night comforting, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:54:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27672323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoodieGirlSP/pseuds/HoodieGirlSP
Summary: The truth is, he was about to lose it. It had been just one trigger but the bottled up negativity within him had quickly latched on the opportunity to burst out of him. He was so close to breaking his mind and going insane.And all she could do was be there for him.~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~TRIGGER WARNING: Depictions/allusions to depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts and mental breakdown
Relationships: flower/Fukase (Vocaloid)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Mess in My Head

**Author's Note:**

> As I mentioned earlier, there are allusions to mental health issues in here along with a depiction of a strong urge to… *ahem* mentally snap. Fukase in general represents my struggles with mental health so… yeah. Not so happy stuff, beware.
> 
> Fukase and Flower are both around 17 - 19 years old. Also note: Meiko is a therapist who specializes in guitar therapy in my HCs. Rin, Len and Piko are generally other teenaged Loids.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

She wished she could help him.

That was all Flower was thinking as she kneeled on the floor, her hands wrapped around the body of the figure in front of her as she silently lent him her moral support. Nested between both of her hands was a shivering redheaded boy, his forehead leaning on her as his fingers kept fumbling about, trying to find something, _anything_ to hold onto. Even if it was something inanimate and cold and hollow, just anything to keep him rooted to reality. It was so rare to see him in the vulnerable state that he was in, but Flower knew better; this wasn’t the first time.

_And unfortunately, it will not be the last._

“You’re okay, Fukase,” She whispered to him, loud enough for him to hear but soft enough so that her words didn’t come out harshly. At times like these, Flower would curse at the strength of her voice; so many people have called it a blessing for her to have such powerful vocals that could pierce through the loudest of instrumentals and wildest of guitar riffs.

But now, a voice like hers was barely going to calm down the hyperventilating boy leaning against her.

She pocketed the thought for now. Better to think about that later. “It’s okay, you’re doing okay,” She cooed, resuming the rhythmic pats on his back with her left hand while her right hand, after being scouted for seconds earlier, was now being held tightly by the male Loid as if she was going to disappear if he let go. His head full of scarlet curls being pressed against her chest didn’t bother her; it was the uncontrollable shaking of his entire figure that was concerning her. This was a bad one.

“Just breathe, Fukase,” She repeated those words for the umpteenth time that day. “You’re fine. I’m here. You’re not going anywhere,”

For a while, the male Loid didn’t say anything and all Flower could hear was the heavy breaths of air that he inhaled while he kept his eyes to the floor, his back rising up and down as he tried to control his breathing. “I… I’m okay, right?” He murmured in a strained voice, a voice that, despite being so accustomed to it by now, still startled the snow-haired teen. “I’m… I’m okay, right? I’m not-I’m not doing anything wrong?”

The repetition in his words was activating all the warning lights in her head. If he had started repeating words this early, that could only mean that it was going to get worse. Flower tried her best to steel herself for what was to come as she pulled Fukase even close to her body, hoping that the physical contact could distract him from his plight.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

But it was useless.

No matter how much she pulled him closer to her, no matter how much she tried to calm him down, Fukase was really starting to lose his grip on reality. He could already feel as if the floor wasn’t there, as if he was just floating in the crevasses of his own mind and wandering aimlessly like a dead doll. It was so easy for him to hide his emotions away, keep them in a jar and shelf the thoughts for late night talks with her that were just so _soothing_ . He had planned to do that earlier, in fact, after their sour encounter with some jerks out on the street. After scaring off some sleazy, inebriated and downright _rude_ men that dared to come close to his Flower, Fukase had proceeded to knock some sense into all of their drunk skulls. Literally. And with his cane, to boot.

But as soon as they had returned home, the thoughts swimming through his head returned. _‘Why were you so damn dramatic’, ‘that was uncalled for, idiot’, ‘why did you attack them’, ‘stop being so damn possessive you FREAK-’, ‘you ruined her entire night’, ‘way to go you F*CKING IDIOT-’_

And along with it, every other negative, bottled up emotion that he had been safe-keeping for the past week. Imaginings of rude and mean dialogues popping up in his head and multiplying, running all over his mind and across his eyes as if they were real, as if he truly said those words. Horrible words, pessimistic words, _depressing_ words, screams of hate, shouts of annoyances, the sheer sound of him screeching at someone for a trivial matter… The list could go on.

And he hated that.

The warmth of her hand reminded him; _oh, how hard she was trying_. Trying so hard to get him to relax and calm down and let go of the words he could never keep inside for long periods of time. It must have been a heavy burden for her to carry, the redhead knew, for a person like her who was already having a hard time with her own problems of talking to people. She didn’t deserve to have a boyfriend like him who would switch from a happy-go-lucky mode into the depressed mode that he was in right now. Completely helpless against the intrusive thoughts formed by his own mind.

But Fukase was selfish. He was selfish because he had asked for her to stay with him even though he would be a handful to handle. He was selfish because even though she was already happy around him, he had essentially demanded her to make _him_ happy too. Granted it was likely because he never truly understood what it means to love someone or even to receive love, so he couldn’t tell if he was being really self-centered in asking her for such a thing.

And yet, here he was. Being held in the arms of the one person in the entire world that understood him, embraced him and _completed_ him in so many ways. He wished that the fact alone would be enough for him to power through this one mental attack.

Oh, how he wished for the impossible.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“You’re alright,” She gently spoke again, stroking his back slowly while burying her face into his hair. “Fukase, listen. You’re here, in our room, in my arms and you’re _fine_ ,”

The sensation of his hands clenching into tight fists around her fingers terrified her more than it was hurting her. _Ms Meiko told me about this… A clenched fist means that he’s still trying to find something to hold onto._ He was still trying to root himself. Flower’s tactic wasn’t working; time for another plan.

After deeming that the hand trapped in his fist was too hard for her to pry out of, she relied on the strength of her left arm to tenderly turn his head around, causing the unscarred side of his face to lean against her chest, his ear positioned right where her heart would be. By instinct, his legs unfurled from their kneeling position, causing Fukase to essentially lean against her body as he continued to hold her right hand tightly. Hearing her heartbeat had worked a couple times before during his episodes, since they were living proof that he was still alive and in control of himself, proof that he hadn’t gone off the edge and that he was with someone else.

And thankfully, to Flower’s relief, the tactic was working. His fingers were still tightly gripping onto her hand, but his heavy breathing was subsiding, if not just slowly down at the very least. His lips trembled as he spoke again. “I’m… okay…?”

“Yes,” She replied with the most conviction she could muster. “Yes, you’re doing great, Fukase,” She had to get him talking, get him to step away from the darkness in his head and come back to her. “You can hear my heartbeat, right?”

She could feel him nod. “Tell me what it sounds like. Talk to me,”

There was a mild, underlying hesitation in his voice. “It’s… It’s beating… I can hear it, I… I can hear it…”

He was still repeating words. Talking with him more would definitely help. She had to keep him talking.

“That’s good. Also, you can feel yourself holding my hand, right Fukase?” She tried to wiggle her hands in his vice-grip with the intention of signaling him to it. “Tell me how it feels. Keep talking to me,”

“It’s… It’s warm… and small… And… A-and… _And…_ ”

In the midst of her rising reprieve, Fukase’s choked breaths of air alerted her, the sound of his strained tone from earlier returning again. “I’m sorry-” He mumbled through his clenched teeth. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry _I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry-_ ”

Again and again, he apologised profusely, _non-stop_ as the female Loid continued patting his back. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Fukase,” She had a feeling that he wasn’t just apologising for the night, but for the fact that she had to ‘deal’ with him like this all the time. The fact that when he was supposed to be the one making her happy, he ended up making her bear the weight of his breakdowns and moments of weakness.

She didn’t care that she had to help him though those. “There’s nothing you should be sorry for,” She continued sweetly. “Keep talking to me. Don’t keep it in,”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“I…” A pause. He still wasn’t used to pouring his thoughts out to someone. How could he be after hiding it for years? After keeping his thoughts away from other people in the hopes that they wouldn’t leave him? After perfecting his image of being that cheerful, cheeky trickster who just wants to make people smile? After keeping this dark, twisted part of his mind tucked away from everyone so that he wouldn’t bother them?

But Fukase had quickly realised that keeping such a massive secret was going to hurt Flower more than reassure her.

“I didn’t… I didn’t like it when th-that guy tr-tried to take you away from me,” He began, stuttering on a few words. _Quick, find something to latch onto, find something to- ah, her hand, right._ “I know th-that I hit him earlier, b-but-”

“You were right to do that,” Flower reassured him, her own fingers squirming out of his hands to clutch tightly to his fingers, his bandaged fingers. “You were in the right. They were trying to hurt me and you protected me,”

**“You did nothing wrong, Fukase,”**

He still couldn’t stop shivering. “B-but I shouldn’t be so posses-”

“You were NOT being possessive,” Flower said firmly. “You were protecting me. And that’s _perfectly_ fine,”

“I didn’t l-like how you were talking with P-Piko today, either,” The redhead continued, trying his hardest to focus on the contact of her hand on his back, her heartbeat through his ears and her fingers that were wrapping around his own. “I-I know that you didn’t like him a-and I know he doesn’t l-like you, but I-!”

A sharp gasp was elicited from him as he tried to control his rising anger, his rising jealousy. He really REALLY didn’t like how they were chatting together that morning, how they were both smiling and even chuckling from time to time. The redhead could spot them from a mile away, staring at the spectacle of them finding joy in their conversation; the sheer sight of her having fun with someone was stabbing his heart like needles on a pincushion. Right then and there, his mind had considered to walk in front of them and steal Flower away from the silver-haired Loid. Because Piko just can’t have her, she belonged to HIM, no one was going to take her away from him, NO ONE was allowed to smile and laugh with her, all of her smiles and laughs and happiness belonged to-

_Dammit, why **was** he this possessive? _

Meanwhile, Flower was slowly nodding as he recounted his jealousy to her, the words flying out of his mouth like embers from a fire. “Keep talking,” She reminded him again and again, never failing to pat his back as he talked and talked and talked.

“I didn’t like it when Rin & Len tried to drag you into their antics again; they’re always up to no good and you know that- I didn’t like it when we were trying to have some peace and quiet in the park, then a bunch of random idiots from elsewhere decided to cause a racket and make you uncomfortable- I didn’t like it when I messed up one of the high notes in our recording session the other day and we had to start the whole thing from scratch because our boss was just being an absolute jerk-”

As he continued to ramble and pour out all his frustrations, he could feel it. Bits of reality returning to him. Pinpricks of tingling warmth enveloping his whole body. The softness of a hand petting against his back. Her chin being buried in his hair. Carpet fur brushing against his legs. The sound of light rain pattering against the windowsill. Her voice.

“It’s alright, Fuka,” She was whispering now. “It’s going to be _okay_ . You’re going to be _okay_ ,” The contained agony in her tone sounded as if it was suffocating her, and that fact alone was enough to get Fukase to muster up the urge to turn his head towards her. As per normal of his breakdowns, his head had felt a ton heavier than usual, but his desire to see her overpowered the bother of lifting his upper body off of her chest and looking at her-

Oh. She was crying.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Flower didn’t know when she started crying.

She couldn’t recall when the first tear emerged from her eyelids. Couldn’t remember what triggered the tears to dribble down her cheeks.

But if she had to make an educated guess, it was probably because of him. Or more specifically, how she couldn’t do anything to truly help him. Yes, she could sit next to him. Yes, she could listen to him talk for hours with no end. Yes, she could hold him in her embrace and keep telling him that he’ll be okay, that he was safe, that he wasn’t a monster or a freak or in the wrong for thinking such dark thoughts.

But to void him of this pain forever? To get rid of it for him so that he wouldn’t have to suffer? To make him happy the same way that he had done for her?

She couldn’t do that. She couldn’t do _any_ of that. And that was probably why she was crying. Because no matter how much she wanted to save him from those mental attacks, they kept coming back.

Still, her hands remained on his body, even after he turned his head towards her weeping face, a few of her tears falling lightly onto his facial scars, streaking his face with transparent lines of liquid. “Y-you’re gonna be okay, Fuka,” She spoke softly, her usually strong voice cracking in her words. “Don’t worry, I’ll be here for you, okay?”

The spectacle of her usual stoic expression, breaking down at the sight of him on the cusp of losing his mind, was the **last** straw he needed. The deciding factor that pushed his own tears to pour out of his eyes. The one good thought in his head that told him, _cry with her. It’s okay to cry with her._

As he buried his face into Flower’s chest again, the tears that he had been building up from the pent-up emotions in his heart, Fukase’s hands released hers from their grip, instead curling around her as he held her towards him. Though he was still shaken up from his breakdown, he desperately tried to keep his voice clear.

“Flower,” He started, stifling a weak smile that she couldn’t see. “Why… Why are you crying?”

She didn’t say anything for a while, presumably trying to clear her own thoughts. “Why are _you_ crying?” She echoed, trying hard to keep her voice stable.

Before his habit of keeping secrets could kick in, Fukase blurted out everything in one go. “Because of you. It’s because of… because of you caring so much about me,”

“But… I can’t get rid of this pain for you,” She replied, her wobbly voice soon evolving into a sob. “I can’t take away all of… this. I want to save you so badly the same way you saved me, but how can I do that, Fukase?”

Thunder roars outside.

“ … Stay,”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“I’m sorry, but can you just… Can you stay here? With me?”

Flower didn’t have to think twice in making her decision; in the blink of an eye, she raised a right hand and placed it gently against his scarred cheek, the physical contact cueing him to lean into her touch, the warmth of her hand that had pulled him out of his emotional attacks so many times before. A single nod and a small smile on her face was enough to lift a load that was weighing down on his body.

“I’m not going anywhere,” She added. “I’m here, always, Fuka,”

She watched as he tried to stand up from his position, though as his legs failed him (as they usually do after a heavy experience such as this), she was quick to support him with her own hands, rising from the ground and holding his two hands tightly as they both collapsed onto their bed, with the female Loid hurriedly shuffling in her spot and holding his hands tightly in hers. Even though the both of them had been crying for a while, Flower could still spot the uncertainty in his eyes, a wavering light emitting from his left, fully red eye. She had seen it react to his emotions at times, especially during times like these, so seeing it flicker a little didn’t scare her.

“Flower?”

As he called her name, she looked closely at his face. The face of a boy whose bright smile had been replaced by a downcast frown and tired, ruby red eyes. She focused on how he was looking at her with the gaze of a child who was afraid of being abandoned by his mother, the gaze of a victim who was terrified that he was going to lose his mind someday.

“It’s alright,” She reassured him. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,”

“You’ll stay here?” He asked shakily.

She tightened her grip on his hand. “Yes,”

“You won’t leave?”

“Never, I’ll always be here,”

… Maybe she really couldn’t liberate him from this pain. Maybe such a miracle didn’t exist at all.

But on that night, Flower decided that she wasn’t going to care about it anymore. Fukase didn’t need a magic spell to get rid of his problems; he needed _her_. And if that was what he needed, then…

She pulled him closer to her body, embracing him as the both of them fell asleep and the rain pattered on their roof.

_If that was what he needed, she would give it to him completely._

**Author's Note:**

> Good god, I'm beat. This vent-fic kinda helped though.
> 
> Also, I had to listen to ‘Umbrella’ by SEKAI NO OWARI to remain in the mood for this one phew-


End file.
